JOKES

[Thumpasaurus]

A priest is in the middle of hearing confessions and really has to use the facilities. After the next confessor leaves, he waves an altar boy over and asks him to take over for him while he's dropping his deuce. The altar boy says "I'm not qualified for this" and the priest replies "It's simple. Here is a list of some common sins and the number of Hail Marys and Our Fathers you're supposed to assign for each. When someone comes in, just look it up and tell them how many."

The priest leaves the altar boy and within minutes another person arrives for confession:

"Dear Father for I have sinned..."

The altar boy guiltily interrupts him and says "I am actually not the priest. I'm only sitting in for him for a few minutes."

The man continues:

"Oh, ok. Well, what does the priest normally give out for coveting a neighbor's wife?"

The altar boy fumbles through the list and says "10 Hail Marys."

"Ok, well, how about for adultry?"

More fumbling...
"5 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys."

"Alright. So what does the priest give out for anal sex?"

The altar boy quickly replies:

"Oh that's easy. 2 Snickers and a Coke."

[Thirsty Mallard]

What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits until the boy is 13 to come on his face.

[Mylo]

On day an elephant is walking through the jungle and gets caught up in a big net. The elephant struggles for a while until a tiny mosquito comes buzzing up to it's ear.

"I'll tell you what..." the mosquito says. "I'll chew you out of this net, but you have to do me one favor."

"Anything you want," says the elephant.

"When I'm done, you have to let me fuck you up the ass."

The elephant is puzzzled by the strange request, but agrees. The mosquito chews him out of the net.

"Ok. A deal is a deal" says the mosquito, and proceeds to start the ass fucking.

Above this in a tree, a monkey and his friends are witnessing the entire act - and laughing hysterically. As they are flailing around one of them hits a branch with his arm and a coconut get knocked off, falls, and hits the elephant on the head.

"OUCH!" yells the elephant. To which the mosquito replies,

"Yeah, baby. TAKE IT ALL!"


Mylo

[Thirsty Mallard]

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

-------

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Thirsty Mallard]

Here's one for Doc!


Doc (before he met Mrs. Doc) meets a girl in a bar. They started getting along really well and girl invites him back to her place. When he gets there he takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his socks and again, washes his hands.

The girl looks at him and said, "You must be a dentist!" Doc responds, "Why yes. How did you guess?" The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

After getting undressed he joins her in the bed and they do the deed. Afterwards, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!" Doc was very proud and proclaimed, "Why yes I am a great dentist! And how did you know THAT, my dear?"

She said, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."

[baltobrewer]

What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits until the boy is 13 to come on his face.

CLASSIC.

[ZZ]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.' The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.'

[Crut]

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."