JOKES

[Bugeater]

[budrockdiesel]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

[Bugeater]

[Thirsty Mallard]

I can't remember if this one has been posted yet... but it's a classic:

After the Great International Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey, señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, 'the king of beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water. Give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Shiner sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Shiner?" The Shiner President replies, "I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[bleachcola]

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?

A: A dead baby in a clown suit.

[speed]

oh, gawd not those dead baby jokes again

[bleachcola]

Did I repeat one? I didn't bother reading the entire thread.

[Thirsty Mallard]

I can't remember... I don't think we've breached the dead baby jokes yet, but it's possible. And I'm too lazy to research. I usually don't bring them out unless I'm really really drunk and there is at least one girl nearby who will be disgusted with me.

How do you make a dead baby float?

One cup of root beer, one scoop dead baby.