JOKES

[hotrod38]

Bill and Elaine were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were strolling past the hospital swimming pool, Bill suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Elaine promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Bill out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Elaine’s heroic act, she immediately recommended that Elaine be discharged from the hospital because she now considered her to be mentally stable.

She went to Elaine and said, “I have some good news and some bad news”.

The good news is that you’re being discharged because you responded so rationally in an emergency situation. By jumping in the pool to save Bill’s life, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Bill hung himself in his bathroom with his belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.

Elaine replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

[Bugeater]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[Crut]

whats the bad thing about having a foursome with three smokin hotties?...


Nothing, absolutely nothing

[Bugeater]

The ultimate rejection ............... your hand goes to sleep before you finish.

[TimC]

This is a must read story that will really touch your heart.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew -- gems in the rough, all of them -- more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take she dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? "I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood", replied the little girl.

[TimC]

A man is about to have sex with a really large woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"
"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"

[Dirk McLargeHuge]

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel fortheir wedding night.
The cowboy approached the front desk and asked for a room.He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

[Bugeater]