I'm happy to report back and say that I'm not a complete idiot. Just an incomplete idiot.
Brewed this weekend. Calibrated my thermometer against a spirit filled lab thermometer. The both agreed on ice water at 32. Went to go test my strike water and the lab thermometer was 10 degrees lower that the digital. Threw them both back in the ice bath and, sho 'nuff, they both read 32. My digital simply isn't accurate at high temps. The digital must have been slowly growing faulty, because my attenuation issue has been slowly getting worse.
It's the $5 lab thermometer for me from now on.
Back to the original topic...I added about 8 gravity points of maltodextrin powder to my Janet's brown (that finished at 1.008) right after my first post. After waiting a few days I took a taste tonight. It's absolutely the chewey, balanced, malty beer I expected. It's still got some conditioning to do, but I would recommend this technique as a last ditch for folks who have an unexpectedly well attenuated beer.
As for technique: I boiled the maltodextrin for 10 minutes in 1 liter of water, cooled and poured into a cleaned and sanitized keg. I then purged the keg of O2, and shook the keg under about 10 psi to carbonate the liter of maltodextrin powder. I then transferred the beer from the original keg to the maltodextrin containing keg. I was concerned about oxidation, and I think I mitigated that concern with this technique. If I was to do it again, I would, upon taking a final gravity measurment in the fermenter, I would add the maltodextrin directly to the fermenter a day or two before kegging, to give the active yeast a chance to scrub the little bit of O2 to be scrubbed out by the active yeast.
Corporal, BN Army Kettle Scrubbing Squad 
