JOKES

[Mrs_Henning]

alright everyone we seem to have the need for a joke thread....can be any joke...anything goes.....
i'll go first....


HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex .Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh well, I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

She said, "I was just picturing how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

[Crut]

what, this post never took off? come one you guys, i know your a bunch of sick demented bastards with some hilarious jokes.

[Thirsty Mallard]

Blonde Jokes are always funny:

There is this blonde out in a cornfield in a rowboat... rowing. Another blonde walks by and notices her. Clearly agitated, she yells, "Hey you! What are you doing rowing a boat in a cornfield? You know it's blondes like you that make us look dumb and give us a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

And now an Aggie (Texas A&M) joke:

There is an Aggie hitchiking down the road, when another Aggie pulls up in a Ferrari and offers him a lift. As they are driving, the hitchikers comments, "Man this is a niiiiice car!" The Aggie driving says, "Yeah, it was the wierdest thing. About an hour ago I was hitchiking just like you. This beautiful woman driving by, stops, gets out of her car, takes off all her clothes and stands there and says 'take what you want'" The hitchiker Aggies says, "Hmm... good thing you didn't take the clothes, they probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."

Fraternity joke (funny if you were ever Greek in college):

How many fraternity guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to take pictures, and one to make the T-shirt!

And one fun to say at parties one:

A bear walks into a bar in the town of Bessmer, sits down and demands a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears at bars in Bessmer."
The bear angrily says, "Damnit bartender, I said give me a beer!"
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve belligerent bears beers at bars in Bessmer."
The bear growls, "GRRRAR! YOU BETTER GIMME A BEER OR I'M GONNA EAT THAT WOMAN AT THE END OF THE BAR!"
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve belligerent bully bears beers at bars in Bessmer."
The bear angrily slammed his paws down, then lunged at the woman and ate her with one gulp. Then went back to his seat and said, "How about that beer NOW!"
The bartender calmly replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve belligerent bully bears beers at bars in Bessmer. Especially those on drugs."
The bear quizzically said, "I'm not on drugs!?"
To which the bartender replied... "That was the bar-bitch-you-ate."

WOKKA WOKKA!

[yabodie]

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over Who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University Of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Thirsty Mallard]

That reminds me of this one...

Oakland, CA (AP) - The Oakland Raiders Practice Stopped Today -
Head Coach Lane Tiffin was forced to stop Raiders practice today when the team encountered a strange white substance on the field. Experts were then called in to identify the substance. After careful investigation by the FBI and Homeland Security it was later determined that the substance was the goal line. Practice was then allowed to continue as it was widely thought that the Raiders were not in any danger of ever coming close to the substance.

[hotrod38]

The Sweetness of Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
paaaarrrrty with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, etc.

All that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop ... But at the
bar... You know... They have frozen glasses"

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven, and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar...You know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that ."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR
ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK UP YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG,
AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO
ANY $#%&*# DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And ... They lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!

[Thirsty Mallard]

I think I wrote this one on the forums before... but not in the JOKES thread!

Two elderly gentlemen were playing golf. As they were on the 13th green, a funeral procession passed by, and one of the golfers took off his hat and bowed his head until the procession had passed. The other gentleman said to him, "Wow, that was really great of you to show such respect to the dead." The first man said, "Well I should show some respect, I was married to her for 30 years!"

[Crut]

haha, we used to use the Oakland raiders joke for our Detroit lions, back when they sucked, guess theyre doing a little better this year.

This one has gonearound many of time, but still a classic favorite of mine:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants zipper. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

The vartender notices it but doesnt say anything, and so after about 4 or 5 drinks later the bartender finally works up the gump to ask him about it.
"hey man, you know you got a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?"

to which the pirate answered "Yarrr, and its drivin me nuts!"



Or how about this:

Two cannibals were sitting at the dinner table eating a clown when one looks at the other and says, "does this taste funny to you"