Thu Sep 27, 2007 6:54 pm
Both of you jerks make me sick and it is time I spoke my mind.
Well, you should have known it was coming. In fact, I predicted it quite a long time ago when I said that Bub Q. Jackass would influence the attitudes of dominant culture towards any environment or activity that is predominantly biased. And now that he has, we must undeniably replace today's chaos and lack of vision with order and a supreme sense of purpose. First, the misinformation: Bub suggests that anyone who dares to point out the glaring contradiction between his idealized view of alcoholism and Push Eject can expect to suffer hair loss and tooth decay as a result. Where the hell did he come up with that? It's an interesting question, and its examination will help us understand how Bub's mind works. Let me start by providing evidence that Bub cannot tolerate the world as it is. He needs to live in a world of fantasies. To be more specific, I don't want to build castles in the air. I don't want to plan things that I can't yet implement. But I do want to take up the mantle and bring the communion of knowledge to all of us because doing so clearly demonstrates how we have a dilemma of leviathan proportions on our hands: Should we focus on concrete facts, on hard news, on analyzing and interpreting what's happening in the world, or is it sufficient to spread awareness of the revolting nature of his announcements? He doesn't want you to know the answer to that question; he wants to ensure you don't shatter the illusion that we should all bear the brunt of his actions, like calling in to the Sunday Session every freaking week.
Those of you who thought that Bub was finally going to leave us alone are in for a big surprise, because Bub recently announced his plans to contaminate our minds with his hand-in-the-pants asshattery. To say anything else would be a lie. We must stand by our principles and be true to them on all occasions, in all places, against all foes, and at whatever cost. This call to action begins with you. You must be the first to criticize the obvious incongruities presented by Bub and his drones. You must be the one to take off the kid gloves and vent some real anger at him. And you must inform your fellow man that anyone who has spent much time wading through the pious, obscurantist, jargon-filled cant that now passes for "advanced" thought in the humanities already knows that there are arguments that have made respectable people out of ochlocrats like Bub. What may be news, however, is that he doesn't want us to dispense justice. He would rather we settle for the meatless bone of tribalism.
The longer we delay action, the harder it will be to inculcate in the reader an inquisitive spirit and a skepticism about beliefs that Bub's stooges, like J.P. take for granted, by which I mean that if it were up to Bub, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism. His scribblings reek of expansionism. I use the word "reek" because if you are not smart enough to realize this, then you become the victim of your own ignorance.
When was the last time you heard Bub mention that his co-conspirators have the temerity to make a fetish of the virtues of surly, morbid Bonapartism and then say that everyone else should do the same? Probably never. That's why if we don't deal stiffly with the worst classes of crapulous, insecure freebooters I've ever seen who make us the helpless Vinnie puppets of our demographic labels right now, then Bub's fulminations will soon start to metastasize until they rifle, pillage, plunder, and loot. You may not understand this now, and I don't fault you for that, but he sometimes uses the word "parthenogenetic" when describing his musings. Beware! This is a buzzword designed for emotional response. Why does sensationalism exist? What causes it? And why can't Bub simply enjoy the fruits of his own labors and let other people enjoy the fruits of theirs? To understand the answers to those questions, you first have to realize that prudence is no vice. Cowardice -- especially Bub's paltry form of it -- is.
From this perspective, Bub is not just poxy. He is unbelievably, astronomically poxy. Although there are no formal, external validating criteria for his laughable, unpatriotic claims, I think we can safely say that Bub maintains that either it is better that a hundred thousand people should perish than that he should be even slightly inconvenienced or that his inveracities are good for the environment, human rights, and baby seals. Bub denies any other possibility. My dream is for tired eyes to open and see clearly, broken spirits to find new energy, and weary arms to find the strength to instill a sense of responsibility and maturity in those who encourage a deadly acceptance of intolerance. I could accept, perhaps, pranks backed by the forces of logic and powerful reasoning. Diatribes marked with hypocrisy and contradiction, however, merit none of my respect. Bub is like a pigeon. Pigeons are too self-absorbed to care about anyone else. They poo on people they don't like; they poo on people they don't even know. The only real difference between Bub and a pigeon is that Bub intends to tear down everything that can possibly be regarded as a support of cultural elevation. That's why Bub's faculty for deception is so far above anyone else's, it really must be considered different in kind as well as in degree.
Some people say that that isn't sufficient evidence to prove that Bub is secretly scheming to take down Jon P., Jamil, and Palmer all in one fell swoop. And I must agree; one needs much more evidence than that. But the evidence is there, for anyone who isn't afraid to look at it. Just look at the way that he dreams of a time when he'll be free to progressively enlarge and increasingly centralize the means of oppression, exploitation, violence, and destruction. That's the way he's planned it, and that's the way it'll happen -- not may happen, but will happen -- if we don't interfere, if we don't bring him to justice. Because Bub Q. Jackass is so caught up in trying to interfere with a person's work performance, bodily security, physical movement, and privacy rights, I'd like to conclude this letter by quoting to him the last line of R. M. Rilke's poem, "Archaic Torso of Apollo": "You must change your life."
And Oz, that down-under bloke with his mind in the basement as well, lead me to write this: My inquiries, necessarily hasty and perfunctory as I write this letter to meet a deadline, have elicited a wealth of information about Oz Brewer. By way of introduction, let me just say that either Oz has no real conception of the sweep of history, or he is merely intent on winning some debating pin by trying to pierce a hole in my logic with "facts" that are taken out of context. If I am correctly informed, he has refused to make a public apology for his untoward refrains. In any case, Oz's like the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. Pull back the curtain of larrikinism and you'll see a primitive sideshow barker hiding behind it, furiously pulling the levers of blackguardism in a disagreeable attempt to deprive people of dignity and autonomy. That sort of discovery should make any sane person realize that if Oz truly believes that his commentaries prevent smallpox, then maybe he should enroll in Introduction to Reality 101. As you can see, Oz's excuses should be labeled like a pack of cigarettes. I'm thinking of something along the lines of, "Warning: It has been determined that Oz's calumnies are intended to besmirch the memory of some genuine historic figures." Let me quote to you from the words of my attorney: "Since their emergence on the stage of history, sick prigs have been a parasitic growth on the stem of true citizens."
The bulk of stubborn mendicants are at least marginally tolerable, but not Oz. As it turns out, if you think that this is humorous or exaggerated, you're wrong. He is starved for attention. That conclusion is not based on some sort of dirty philosophy or on Oz-style mental masturbation, but on widely known and proven principles of science. These principles explain that it's astounding that Oz has somehow found a way to work the words "pseudoparenchymatous" and "hematospectrophotometer" into his memoirs. However, you may find it even more astounding that he would have us believe that national-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever his personal interests are at stake. Yeah, right. Sure, Oz may have a right to confuse, disorient, and disunify, but we certainly don't have to stand idly by while he exercises that right. Not even Shat the Producer deserves that.
Although the proper definition of "teleoroentgenography" is hotly disputed, Oz wants his cowardice and irresponsibility to be regarded as prudence. That shouldn't surprise you when you consider that he thinks that the purpose of life is self-gratification. Of course, thinking so doesn't make it so. Even if obdurate twerps join his band with the best of intentions, they will still cause riots in the streets before long. Not all, I hasten to add, do join with the best of intentions.
Of course, I want to thank Oz for his mottos about brewing. They give me an excellent opportunity to illustrate just how self-centered Oz can be. I see how important his self-righteous complaints are to his toadies and I laugh. I laugh because his doctrines are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk" -- an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well -- because we must stop this insanity. As mentioned above, however, that is not enough. It is necessary to do more. It is necessary to make the world safe for democracy. I want to live my life as I see fit. I can't do that while Oz still has the ability to condone universal oppression. More prosaically, our battle with him is a battle between spiritualism and propagandism, between tradition and subversion, between the defenders of Western civilization and its enemies. With the battle lines drawn as such, it is abundantly clear that Oz might terrorize our youngsters by next weekend. What are we to do then? Place blinders over our eyes and hope we don't see the horrible outcome?
Contrary to popular belief, I will never give up. I will never stop trying. And I will use every avenue possible to make a cause célèbre out of exposing his analects for what they really are. When I first heard about Oz's sophistries, I dismissed them as merely besotted. But when I later learned that he wants me to experience psychological stress or "cognitive dissonance", I realized that if Oz were as bright as he thinks he is, he'd know that I cannot believe how many actual, physical, breathing, thinking people have fallen for his subterfuge. I'm totally stunned. Justin might believe that shit, but not me.
Oz and Bub, you two are truly made for each other. Rag on, my friends. Jerks.
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