JOKES

[TimC]

Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
Mozambique

In light of the rising frequency of human / lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Inhambane Branch, is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions while in the bush.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear little noisy bells on their clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also watch out for fresh signs of lion activity, and recognize the difference between lion cub excrement and adult lion excrement. Lion cub excrement is smaller and contains lots of berries and dassie fur. Adult lion excrement has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

Enjoy your stay in Mozambique.

[oneal66]

A cowboy, moves to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three
mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and
orders
three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, I have two brothers. One in Arizona , the
other in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm
drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders 2 mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the 2nd round,
the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Bugeater]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When
he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the
ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision,
he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he
traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance
vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and
delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an
"epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which
everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my
hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit
drinking before noon.

Wayne
Bugeater Brewing Company

[boobookittyfuk]

Thinking in retrospec.....

I wish I never molested all those priests when I was a child.

I woke up this morning and noticed some gray hair on my balls....and I knew it wasn't mine.

[boobookittyfuk]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When
he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the
ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision,
he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he
traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance
vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and
delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an
"epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which
everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my
hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit
drinking before noon.

Wayne
Bugeater Brewing Company

I had an "epiphany" last weekend....but I think that was just her stripper name.

[Thirsty Mallard]

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

...
...
...

A pilot, you racist bastard.

[bcmaui]

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the blazes have you been?"

Larry replies, ”I was out getting a tattoo."

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the devil were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?

"Well....
(One) I like to watch my money grow.
(Two) Once in a while I like to play with my money.
(Three) I like how money feels in my hand. And,
(Fourth) Instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[hotrod38]

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"