JOKES

[J.Brew]

Well played...

[Henway]

An American, an Englishman, and an Irish guy are in a bar having beer from their respective countries.

A fly zips on down into the American's beer (a Bud (shiver....)) and he tells the bartender to toss it out and pour him another.

Another fly is zipping around and lands in the Englishman's Tetley. He digs his palm into his beer and scoops the fly out and tosses him on the floor, swearing profusely throughout.

Well, another fly has the temerity to fly into the Irish guy's Murphy's Stout. He carefully pulls it out and holds it by the wings over his beer and yells at it "spit it out, 'ya little wanker!!"

[Bugeater]

A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist's office in Melbourne..

The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?' The old man said, 'Will you watch us have sex?' The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 'There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,' and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, 'Just exactly what are you trying to find out?'

The old man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $170. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Is Australia great or what?'

[hotrod38]

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

“You know” she said, “We were sitting in this very kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”

“Yep” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

“So let’s get naked now!” she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know” she said with a horny grin “My boobs feel just as hot for you today as they felt 50 years ago.”

He replied “I’m sure they do. One is in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal

[TimC]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[SacoDeToro]

Three men are playing golf: a doctor, a priest, and an engineer. Half way through the course, they're held up by a group of slow golfers one hole ahead of them. They approach the caddy and ask what the hold up is, to which he responds, "please pardon our delay, but these are blind golfers."

The doctor proclaims "this is so inspiring, I'm going to dedicate the rest of my career to finding a cure for blindness."

The priest hails "I'm so deeply touched, I'm going to pray for God to cure their blindness."

The engineer nonchalantly says "I don't know why these guys can't just play in the dark."

[straight cash homey]

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
likalotopus

[straight cash homey]

What's the difference between a job and a wife?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.