JOKES

[Charlie]

An F-16 pilot called for priority landing because his engine was running hot. ATC replied that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Oh." the fighter pilot replied, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Charlie

[dunleav1]

DUI - KANSAS STYLE

Only a person in Kansas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fredonia,KS
after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently
intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After
what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles,
the man managed to find his car and fall into it..

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it
was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for
a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles
left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking
lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer,
having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer
test..

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence
that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer
said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police
station.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken..'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated
decoy.

[Bugeater]

[speed]

i just heard that the local quailty inn and suites is having a benefit for women without legs, i'll bet that place is crawling with pussy

[BayouBrew]

We've all heard the story of the prodigal son, but have you ever heard the story of the prodigal daughter?

One day in Ireland a young woman who had not returned home in many years finally showed up on her father's doorstep. Her father met her at the door and asked "Where have you been for these many years dear lassie?" She replied "Father, I ran away from home and I have been a prostitute for all of these years". To this he said "You have disgraced yourself and your family name, never set foot in this house again". Then she said "I understand, but I wanted to leave this gold Rolex for my brother, this beautiful diamond necklace for mom, and this sporty convertible for you father". After thinking for a moment the father said "what did you say that you have been doing again?". She said "I have been a prostitute, Dad, a prostitute!". Her father laughingly replied "You nearly killed your old man lassie, I thought that you said that you had been a Protestant. Come on in my dear".

Happy St. Patricks Day.

[BadRock]

As a bagpiper, I play quite a few gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Bugeater]

This joke requires a bit of introduction. Where I work we are concerned about everyone living a healthy lifestyle. We have a small team of employees who are charged with coming up with an activity for the staff to promote good health. This month they decided that laughter is good for your health and requested everyone to submit a joke to the team. The best ones would then be posted in the staff lounge. This being a church ministry, the jokes obviously need to be clean. This one is currently in the lead for the best joke of the month.

A pastor had been happily married for 20 years, ever since he was first ordained. One Monday morning he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife sliding a shoe box under the bed. He asked her what that was. She replied that for all these years this is the only thing she has kept secret from him and she wanted him to respect her privacy and never look into the box. He reluctantly agrees and lets the matter drop.

That afternoon, after she leaves to go shopping, his curiosity gets the best of him and he looks into the box. It contains $800 and three eggs. This leaves him confused but he puts it back under the bed. That evening he feels guilty about having looked and confesses to his wife that he did violate her privacy. He asks her what that stuff is about.

She says that every time he gives a boring sermon she would put an egg into the box. He says well that's not bad at all, only three boring sermons in 20 years. But then, he asks, "what about the $800?". She tells him that every time she gets a dozen eggs, she sells them and puts the money in the box.

[Bugeater]

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................. .... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ...................... he farted