JOKES

[mordantly]

I just listened to that Lunch meet episode where they talk about the robot joke and I also have that one friend that sends the racist emails

Thought I would share some of them

"'Do you have a blue Mexican?'"


CLASSIC!! AZ and CA have similar population densities, no??

[Blowmax10]

Bottles


A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses.

The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of Whiskey,
takes a long draught then another and suddenly throws it into the air,
pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.



The Californian looks at him and says “What are you doing?
That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!”

The Texan says, “In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap.”

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle
of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air,
pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.



The Oregonian can’t believe his eyes, “What the heck did you do that for?
That was a perfectly good bottle of champagne!”

The Californian says, “In California, we have plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”

So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Hefeweizen.
He opens it, takes a sip, then another, then chugs the whole bottle.
He then puts the bottle in his saddle bag, pulls out his gun,
turns around and shoots the Californian.



The Texan, shocked, says, “Why the hell did you do that?!”

The Oregonian replies, “In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel.”

[Bugeater]

A lady notices that her schnauzer dog has stopped obeying her when she speaks to it, so she takes it to a vet. She tells the vet, "I think my dog is going deaf. It's as if he can't hear me."

After examining the dog, the vet returns and tells the lady, "I've got good news. Your dog isn't going deaf...It's just that schnauzers have coarse hair that sometimes builds up and plugs their ears. I cut most of the hair out, but I'm going to give you a prescription for a depilatory. It's the active ingredient in hair removal cream. Any pharmacy should have it. Swab a bit in the dog's ears for a few days and he'll be fine."

The lady takes the prescription to a pharmacist. He gives her a small bottle and says, "Now this stuff is highly concentrated....If it's for your legs, dilute it, 2 parts water to 1 part depilatory. If it's for your underarms, dilute it 5 to 1."

The lady says, "No,no, no... You don't understand: It's for my SCHNAUZER!"

The pharmacist says, "In that case, dilute it 10 to 1 and don't ride a bike for a couple of weeks."

[Dirk McLargeHuge]

Doug walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Doug said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Doug then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister...'

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

[Bugeater]

Nebraska, according to Jeff Foxworthy:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Nebraska. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Nebraska. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Nebraska. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Nebraska. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Nebraska. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Nebraska. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Nebraska. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Nebraska. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Nebraska. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Nebraska. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Nebraska. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Nebraska. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Nebraska. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Nebraska. If you actually understand these jokes, you definitely do live - or have lived - in Nebraska!!!!!!!

Definitely true!

Wayne

[speed]

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowthrower, give the bitch a shovel.

[Blowmax10]

[Bugeater]