JOKES

[CA Annie]

A skeleton walks into a bar, says to the bartender, "Get me a beer and a mop!"

[Bugeaterdaughter]

does your dad know you are posting dirty jokes on here? tell wayne hi for me

I don't know. o.O I told him hi for you.

[Dubba_Brew]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi. My name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers his window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi. My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi. My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window... after she lowers it, he says, "Hi. my name is Kevin. It's winter in Pennsylvania I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Dirk McLargeHuge]

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be 'unfit in quality or quantity').

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests.. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait . She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'

The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that shit, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat that shit, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!" The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room.. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of
1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.

"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?"

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't." The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, 'She said, "I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!''

The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.

General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.

"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.

He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fuck him! Don't give him any."

[triple-oh-six]

why not post a novel next time D MLH, fuck man, some of us are drunk here, trying to read with one eye closed, and forgeting stuff, hving to read the whole thing twiceor 2.5xes, bastard

at leat it was funny

[Dirk McLargeHuge]

why not post a novel next time D MLH, fuck man, some of us are drunk here, trying to read with one eye closed, and forgeting stuff, hving to read the whole thing twiceor 2.5xes, bastard

at leat it was funny

[Hessian Lake]

why not post a novel next time D MLH, fuck man, some of us are drunk here, trying to read with one eye closed, and forgeting stuff, hving to read the whole thing twiceor 2.5xes, bastard

at leat it was funny

I was just thinking that I was glad I read that now rather than trying to do it drunk

[Bugeater]

Not So Dumb Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.