JOKES

[Gnome Brewer]

So a pirate walks into a bar with steering wheel chained to his testicals.
Bartender asks: "Why the hell is that thing chained to your balls?"
Pirate replies: "YAR! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"


How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking the leaves? She fell out of the tree.

[BDawg]

Did you guys hear about the psychic midget that broke out of prison?

They were warning everybody to be on the look out for a small medium at large.

[Bugeater]

Did you here the one about the insomniac, dyslexic agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Wayne

[TimC]

Each Friday night after work,
Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Unfortunately, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.
And since it was the Lenten season, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful
that they finally talked to their priest and asked for help.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
Being a good fellow and wanting to be a good neighbor, he agreed.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Catholic Mass.

As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
"You were born a Baptist; you were raised a Baptist; but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the Friday night arrived
when the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors.
He rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and was prepared to scold him.
He stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water
which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted,
"You wuz born a deer; you wuz raised a deer; but now you is a catfish."

[ApresSkiBrewer]

In honor of the Pope... who apparently believes, don't knock it till you try it.

An Irish gentleman went to a solicitor (person responsible for finding him legal representation) for some advice on a barrister (lawyer in our terms). While sitting with the solicitor, he explained his woes, "So, I hear you are great at finding the right barrister for any case... and I'll need your best service for the pickle I'm in."

The solicitor says, "Go on then, tell me what you've been accused of."
Irishman: "Well... I've been caught, er uh... accused of shagging sheep... which as you know is illegal. Do you have any barristers who can help me?"
Solicitor, "I sure do. I have three in fact. The first is a master of paperwork... if any technicality is missed with the paperwork, he can get you off the hook!"
Irishman: "Oh, I don't know... I think their case is pretty cut and dried... who else do you have?"
Solicitor: "Well, I know of another barrister who can cross examine anyone, until they break. He'll get that cop on the stand and really make him sweat!"
Irishman: "That sounds ok... but not for me. I doubt that will help much with the video evidence they've collected... Any one else?"
Solicitor: "Well, there is one more, and his specialty is Jury selection."
The Irishman nervously replies, "That'll have to do, I suppose..."

A few weeks later in the courthouse, the arresting officer is being questioned. The Judge asks, "So once you arrived on the scene, what did you see?"

The cop replies, "Well... I walk in the front door... and there is the defendant, shaggin' the sheep right there in front of me!"
Judge: "What happened next?"
Cop: "Well, then the sheep turned around and kind of nuzzled him in the groin..."

At this point, Juror #3 leaned over to Juror #4 and said, "Aye, a good sheep'll do that!"

[Bellmer]

Did you ever wonder where the custom of putting an angel on top of a Christmas tree came from?

It all started one Christmas Eve when Santa was a bit late getting ready for his yearly visits. In his rush to get dressed he split the seat right out of his pants. He called Mrs. Claus out of the kitchen to fix his pants. While she was out of the kitchen all the Christmas cookies burned.

Meanwhile the elves were busy loading the sleigh. While carrying the bag of toys to the sleigh they tripped and dropped the whole load into the mud. They hurriedly took them back in a rewrapped them all. In the meantime, Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer calls in sick. The elves finally got the presents wrapped and carefully hauled them back to the sleigh. They tossed the bag into the back, but the weight of all those toys broke one of the runners on the sleigh.

While Santa stood there pondering what to do, the Christmas Angel approaches Santa with a Christmas tree and innocently asks, "Santa, where should I stick this?"

Wayne

Lol Bug. I told that at Christmas a number of years ago, as it is one of my favorite jokes. My Grandmother was not amused

[Bellmer]

After retiring, Sully went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processed his Social Security application.

When Sully got home, he excitedly told Steff about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too."

Only room for one large head?

(Sorry Sully)

[Bugeater]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie!, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"