Tue Jun 07, 2016 7:30 pm

Well, I'll be 50 in a couple of months and I thought I'd ramble in a drunken fashion for a bit. Kind of a midlife crisis analysis. Join in if you'd like - I'd love to hear your stories of woe and success.

Before I begin, let me say that this isn't a call for help of any kind. I'm ok. I've come to terms with all of this, and I guess I'm a better person now. I think so, anyway.

I had a partnership blow up and the business basically stolen from me because I had few choices. Rich people can do that because they have endless attorneys. I can't afford that, and when I looked at the long-term prospects, I decided that the only winning move was not to play the game. I caved and turned over more than 250,000 lines of code. It has a poetic ending, though - the guy hired foreign programmers who worked on it several years and ended up LOSING the entire codebase. I deleted all of my backups long ago because it felt great to do so; to wash my hands clean so I could move on; so I didn't have any of it. The feds showed up at my door and wanted code, I shit you not. The rich dude is connected. I simply didn't have it and sent them away. Months later, he had the nerve to ask me to work on it again. Um, let me think about that... NO. I could write it again, he couldn't. In that there is SOME peace.

The aforementioned incident caused me to lose my creativity for YEARS. I used to work on projects at home ALL of the time. Now I fire up an editor and just stare at the blank screen. Yeah, it is that bad. I don't know how to get it back. I still struggle with this on a daily basis.

I recently lost one of my brothers to a heart attack. He was 56. WAY too early.

I have another brother that is confined to a chair. Diabetes and heart problems. 59. WAY too early also.

Had a few health scares of my own, had to change my diet completely and take a bunch of pills I didn't want to take, but they keep me alive.

My wife has major health issues (again), so I've been helping her with that.

I quit my job of 25 years to take on a new job (edit, details removed)

I now have an army cot in my office and I use it from time to time.

I've been drinking WAY too much. Like drunk every night too much. The CEO of my employer also owns a well-known St. Louis brewery and provides free beer at work. This is both a blessing and a curse.

I haven't brewed in a long long time. I have a ton of ingredients that are probably just trash.

I have been threatening retirement from the BN for a couple of years now; more than 10 years, time for someone else to take over. What I do is not essential. The show would go on regardless. I do enjoy this work, though, so maybe I'm just crazy to think about quitting it. I've been here since 2005. Steve has stepped up and taken over a few things for which I am grateful; in fact he's the only other person with administrator rights. I never have time to listen anymore and this bothers me. Justin and Kate have been really good to me; I've stayed at their house and they've fed me, and for that I am thankful. I know that if I showed up on their doorstep I'd have a place to sleep, and that's something.

I nearly lost a son a week ago. THAT is sobering.

I have another son that is moving away.

I have 3 grandchildren with another on the way that I'd do anything for. This part of life is cool.

I volunteer at a lot of community things now. I get an incredible sense of purpose from this. I highly encourage everyone to volunteer at the local food pantry, wellness clinic; etc. There are tons of people that need help, and one person can make a huge difference. Do it!

50. Wow. I wasn't supposed to live past 1 day, then 3 days, then a week, then a year, yet here I am.

This post has a lot of personal stuff in it. I thought a lot before I hit submit, but did it anyway. You guys are like family.

My advice before I turn over this microphone? Be thankful for what you have. Tell those you love that you love them TODAY. I'm pretty toasted and I'm going to bed.
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Re: Life

Tue Jun 07, 2016 7:39 pm

Hang in there buddy.
Glad you could vent.
BJCP GM3 Judge & Mead
"Lunch Meat. It's an acquired taste....." -- Mylo
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Re: Life

Wed Jun 08, 2016 8:26 am

You'll always have us for support brotha.

"Show me on this doll where the internet hurt you."

"Every zoo is a petting zoo if you man the fuck up."

:bnarmy: BN Army // 13th Mountain Division :bnarmy:
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Re: Life

Wed Jun 08, 2016 4:44 pm

Wow, and I thought starting a brewery was hard. glad you could let some feelings here. I have been listening since day 1 and I think I can say that many of us are aware of how much you contribute. Honor to you sir!
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Re: Life

Fri Jun 10, 2016 9:33 am


As much as a mid-life crisis this may be, I sense quite a bit of positivity coming from you. Just the sheer fact that you can see the good through all of those crazy things going on in your life (past and present) shows you that there is even more good to come. You taking the time to pause and anecdote is a necessary reality to keep yourself level.

Stay strong, vent when necessary, and try to remember that you are never given more than you can are lucky to have those that do care for you.


PS - I still think you are God. :bnarmy:
"A bad man is a good man's job, while a good man is a bad man's teacher."
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Re: Life

Mon Jun 13, 2016 4:55 pm

Sorry to hear about the problems Code.
Hang in there! :asshat:
Gimme oysters and beer (and Durian) for dinner every day of the year...
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Re: Life

Sun Jun 19, 2016 1:47 pm

Damn, brother.

I think we all have those moments, as old bastards. Find yourself drunk on a late afternoon, wondering what the hell it was for, and hating yourself because you can't find an answer.

Nice thing is that if we've made it this long, we're too tough to die.
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Re: Life

Mon Jun 20, 2016 2:46 am

I think my woe and troubles have been documented here pretty well.
A lot of you have offered a helping hand and kind words.
Hang in there, code. You're a great guy!
I no longer drink and my lifenis better. Than it has ever been.
It's still a struggle, but I try to remain positive!
Rock on, code!
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