A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.


"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

and the douche bag award goes to....



Yeah buddy, you earned it

Good one!
Too bad we don't have any ferries where I live...

here's one fer ya

An airline pilot gets on the intercom to make his in flight announcement..This is your pilot speaking, Sam Brown, We will be flying from NYC to LA at an altitude of 36 thousand feet. Our journey should have us at the gate in a few short hours. Please, if there is anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable please, don't hesitate to call on one of our stewardesses.

He proceeds to hang the microphone up but forgets to turn the switch off. He leans back, looks at the co pilot and says, Well,I think I'll go and take a shit and then go fuck the stewardess! Well, this gets broadcast through out the plane. Just then, the stewardess starts running up the isle to tell the captain to turn the damn radio off! She trips, falls flat on her ass in front of this little old lady. She looks down and says, whats the big hurry honey, you heard him say he was going to take a shit first!!

A few years back, George W. got back from a weekend vacation and was being briefed by an aide.
"Mr. President", the aide said as he handed him a file, "I have an update on current events in Iraq. There is still a lot of instability and there have been some casualties over the weekend. One soldier was shot in the hand, another lost his leg. A helicopter went down, but the crew survived with only minor injuries."

"Ok, anything else?"

"Well sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in a series of road-side bombs."

Bush slumps into his chair, blood draining from his face, mouth agape.

"Are you alright sir?"

"T-tell me son, j-j-just how m-many is a brazzillion?"

A pirate walks into a bar, his wooden leg thumping with each step. He has a hook and a eyepatch as well. He sits down and says, "Yarr, Barrrtenderr give me a rum!"

"Sure", the bartender replies, "But first I gotta know, how'd you lose your leg?"

"Well, me first mate tossed me overboard, and as I be swimming to land, a shark came up and bit me leg clean off at the knee!"

"That's quite the story!" said the bartender as he hands the pirate his rum.

The pirate slaps some coin on the bar and downs his rum, and orders another.

"Ok, coming right up! I noticed one of your hands is a hook, do you mind telling me how that happened?" asked the bartender.

"Aye, well I'd gotten to shore and bound up me leg. Got rescued not long after and got fitted with me wooden leg when I be full healed. Then I went after me mutinous first mate, and quite a battle 'twas! Lucky bastarrd cut off me hand right before I chopped off his head!"

"My!" says the bartender, pouring another drink, "Now I've gotta ask, what happened to your eye?"

"Well, I be looking up in the riggin' and a seagull pooped in my eye!"

"What!? A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would make you lose your eye!"

"Arrrr... well, it be my first day with me new hook!"