1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)



2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)



3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)



4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)



6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)



7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Touche Mrs. H... and now...

What is the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Why do they call it PMS?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

What do you call that useless piece of flesh around the vagina?
A woman.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

All good ones Mrs_Henning, but this one really made me think. After 2+ pints of my latest IPA , I was reading "neck and nose" not "neck and noose". I was thinking, "what does his mouth have to do with it?".

Maybe you need to add a one-liner about spelling?

Always love Mrs_Henning posts

I did make a spelling joke...




And now, a classic I remembered today:

A guy walks in to a bar, sits down and gets a drink. He then opens a small case and takes out a small piano. After that, a 12 inch man steps out and starts playing the piano. The bartender says, "Hey, that's amazing! Where did you get that guy?" The guy says, "Well I found this magic lamp in the desert with a genie that grants wishes... you want to give it a try?" The bartender says, "Sure!" so he rubs the lamp and the genie comes out. The bartender thinks for a second and claims, "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly the bar is filled with a million quacking ducks. The guy says, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, my genie is a little hard of hearing. Do you think I actually asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

are you trying to butter me up cuz your still waiting on ur beer?!??!