The Perfect Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again... although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her No; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

(Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.)

I was sitting on my porch the other morning when this kid walked by with duct tape. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to catch some ducks. Whatever, but a couple hours later he walked by with a hand full of ducks. Later that afternoon he walked by with some pussy willows. I ran to grab my shoes to go with him.

One atom says to the other atom," Dear lord! I've lost an electron!"
The other atom asks,"Are you sure?"
The 1st atom replies," Yes, I am positive!"

Not really a joke but.
A homage to Easter
Our lager, which art in barrels, hallowed by thy drink. Thy kegdom come, I fill thee mug, at home, as in the tavern. Give us this day, our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages, as we forgive those who spill upon us. And lead us not, into inebriation, but deliver us from hangovers. Barmen.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

going in the car

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4ARc6ULKtQ

definately not what i expected