this happened tonight

My wife is wearing a white t-shirt that says " I (heart) my husband........
I say to her " if you really loved your husband that shirt would be wet"

Good comeback , but:

BETTER: " if you really loved your husband that shirt would be OFF"

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”


“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”


“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

Funny you should mention that;


Vavelta sounds like a French undergarment! I was recently astounded when "Flunaze" and "Sputumx" were introduced (the names are quite descriptive of the drug's function). Do pharmaceutical companies actually have marketing departments? If so, do directors tell them; "Try not to make any money!".

And don't tell anyone you had the procedure, otherwise it's; "What's up, dickface?"

I wonder if the itching and redness gets worse when you have a sexy thought.

Charlie

Health Issue

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

Cut and paste are wonderful...



I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'

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Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.'

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A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually.'

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Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

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I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

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Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

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I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and “Mexicans” were not the correct answers.